My Ebook and My Fears

Our first Ebook …

If someone were to ask me; what did I want to do or what would make me happy, I would say Dr. SheLution.  My dream job would be to work from home on my blog.  My heart is to write and publish inspirational posts, ebooks, online training classes and do workshops.

Let me back up and give you some history.  I started just to get the noise out of my head and over the years it has evolved.

Two years ago, I  set a challenge for myself and Sheila.  We would do a year of posts, one post for 52 weeks on and create an ebook  by June 4, 2014 my birthday.  We met the challenge; we did 52 posts, we created our first ebook, and that’s when fear set in.  Self Transformation Made Simple

Our ebook has been done for over a year but I have been too afraid to release it.  Why?  I was afraid of what people would think.  I wondered if it was any good?  I questioned if I should charge and if so how much?  Question after question poured into my head,  I was paralyzed by fear. Although, the ebook was an accumulation of previous posts over the past year with added narratives I still was afraid to push the button.

I was stuck, but two things happened recently that help me move past my fears.  One, over the Memorial Day weekend we took an extended family trip to attend my dad’s annual family reunion in Gulfport, Mississippi.  The second night of this event my father was rushed by ambulance to the hospital.  He needed a pacemaker, his heart was in trouble. One moment he’s smiling and the next moment he is in ICU at the local hospital.

As I contemplated the what if’s; I realized life is short, we need to do what makes us happy.  I need to fulfill my life long dreams and/or those simple pleasures I keep putting off. I came to the conclusion that pushing through the fear would be easier than living with the failure of not trying. A quick sidebar, last year my mother had a life threatening illness and I promised myself then I was going to change.  A year later some changes have occurred but the sense of urgency is still not there. Who said “if not now, when,” not sure but I think I get it now.

The second “Aha” moment came when I checked my Timehop app and last year I posted the cover for my ebook with a note say coming soon.  You know, the one that is still sitting in my inbox one year later.

Each day I get a past due reminder.  At first it bothered me, and I would wrestle with myself to get it done, but would lose the battle to fear and insecurity.  I continued to get reminders; day after day for the past 319 days, after a while I got comfortable with seeing my dream pass away.

I stopped making excuses; I just put it out of my mind, I rationalized that the important thing was we did it, not that it was published.  I know, it even sounds crazy to me but I was stuck in fear.

I did not want to open myself up to criticisms or opinions, I felt like I had heard them all of my life. “Roxanne you’re too loud”, “Roxanne you’re too rude”, “Roxanne you have a nasty tone”, believe me I have heard it all. At times those words may have been true, but that does not stop the pain one feels when hearing negative criticisms. Nor, does it not stop the question of doubt you have about whether you could make a difference.

My dream was safe with me.  (Sheila’s voice) … Is it really?  Again, not real rational but I felt vulnerable and naked. I know, holding your dreams inside does more damage than any negative criticisms you could ever hear.

But, what if they hated my baby (my ebook)?  I have come to realize no mother sees her child as ugly or unwanted.  She knows she has enough love to cover any loss of love that her baby or creation might encounter and to help them see it through her eyes.

Today, I feel a pain in my heart, not a physical pain but the weight of a dream lying dormant.  Today I realized more than ever I have got to release my ebook, my baby, good or bad.  I need to let it go. I am sure if I go back and read it I would find things that need changing or updates that need to be made but that would lead to another year of procrastination.  So, my friends with much delay I give you our first ebook.  For a limited time you my readers will be able to download it for free.  (Self Transformation Made Simple)

Although; getting feedback can sometimes be hard and sometimes people can crush your dreams, I share this with you from a place of love, I equally ask that you share your comments from a place of love.

This is just the beginning, I am going to start scratching some things off my bucket list no more fear for me, I going to live as along as I am alive.
Roxanne Wilkening MS Ed.


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